Chores and Kids

In my last post I mentioned I do not pay for chores. Never have, never will. Chores are part of being in a family. We all have responsibilities. Mine is to provide food, lodging, education and opportunities to my family. I take that serious. My kids have responsibilities, too. Kitchen duty, sweeping, vacuuming, cutting grass, raking leaves, doing laundry and even cooking. This let's them know what it takes to not only keep a family running but gives them life skills for when they get out on their own. If kids don't learn these skills how do they function, how do they take care of their families? Most all things are "chores" and should be shared by the family. Now, if the kids do special things like washing my car (never theirs) then I am inclined to sneak them a little something. When we have major things like putting up a new fence around the back yard, a new gate to the back yard, building new flower beds, etc. we do reward those efforts. We never promise or indicate a reward up front. We ask the kids to help and we reward based on their performance, attitude and willingness to be part of the project. The kids do not expect anything and it becomes a great family experience, they learn some new skills and we make things we can all be proud of!

Yes, my kids have the normal assortment of things...xbox, ipods, PC's for each of them, cars for those that drive...but these are either bought with their own money, are presents for work/birthday/Christmas or they are for the convenience of my wife and I. This includes cell phones and cars. Setting expectations on these items is important. More on that in a later post.

Money and Kids

In my previous (and first) entry I noted that I do not like, believe in or give allowances. Money does not come free and we should not teach children that it does. If they are too young to understand and manage money I see no need to give them any.

So, what do I do? I give them lunch money. In middle school (grades 6-8) we start giving them lunch money to do with as they choose. It is their option to spend it on food, save it or spend it on other things. We provide them healthy food THEY can fix to take for lunch to help them save money.

Why do this? It gives them alternatives, teaches them to make choices and to plan. The kids know if they want a new game they have to save for it. And it has worked very well. We do continue the allowances all year, even when school is out. My son summed it up best: "I buy lunch on only 2 days...Pizza and Hot Dog days. The rest of the days I'd rather carry my lunch since a sandwich and fruit from home is so much better." He can also tell you how long it takes to save for a new xbox game, a controller, etc. Amazing!

We do not tie chores to allowances. That implies they have a choice about chores. More on that in a later posting.

First posting.

Families and getting older...or as I like to think of it "Ramblings of an idle minded 50 year old!" My kids are almost grown...23, 19 and 15. One out of college, one in college and one headed for his license (and college).

So, let's talk kids for a moment. I use the term "kids" because I am from the south, it is how I grew up and it is not derogatory. Children is a formal term and I'm not in a formal mood. OK, we've established I'm grumpy...move on.

Child rearing is not an easy task. Some rules I've tried to live by when raising children:

• You are always the parent, never a friend.
• You make the rules and decision. It is not a democracy.
• Help your children build memories! Memories are what reinforce behavior and it is what they take with them going forward
• Be consistent. Nothing is more confusing to behavior reinforcement than inconsistency.
• Talk to and with your children. Explain things, even mundane things to them. Let them learn and see what you know. They become richer for it.
• Challenge them. Set goals for them that exceed what they have done. Celebrate success and help them understand why the failed. By the way, failure is not a bad word. Don't coddle kids, help them and support them but let them know there are consequences to not reaching goals.
• Spanking is OK. Beating is not. There is a difference and if you don't know it, figure it out. I spanked my children to get there attention, to let them know there are consequences to action and to remind them they do not make the rules. No marks, no scars. Just whaps across the bottom. Slapping is not spanking and not acceptable. No shaking or bruises.
• Kids are individuals. Treat them as such. Rules apply to everyone and there are no exceptions. However, if you have a child that is more dependable, more trustworthy, reward that child with more options and opportunities. Talk to them about trust. They'll get it.
• Never give allowances (money). Never, ever. There is no free lunch and no free money in life. I'll give you great ways to teach money responsibility in later posts. These work and work well.
• No car dating till you are 16 and then only if we know the boy. Make him come in and talk to you. Explain to him the rules and expectations. Tell him NO right off the bat and make sure he knows what NO means.
• Till 16 only group dates with an adult chaperone.
• No smoking, drinking, drugs. Keep asking and keep checking.
  Your room is not YOURS. It is mine and I can search it if I need/want to. Surprising how much an impact clear lines and clear control can have.
• Keep your promises, good or bad. Never promise punishment that you do not deliver. See "be consistent" above. This is a huge issue.
• Hug and kiss your kids EVERY day and more than once per day. Tell them you love them and are proud of them EVERY day. No exceptions. If you are too macho to tell your child you love them (and use those words!) you need to get over yourself. My 15 year old son looks me in the eye and I still hug him and tell him I love him. No exceptions.
  
  Enough for today. More later.
  
  Hug and kiss your kids